Who Is Esoteric Quality?

Dear Readers,

IF you’ve ever questioned reality with a partner you cared about, if your instabilities from prior trauma is exacerbated, read this carefully. IF you all knew who the real Esoteric Quality was, is, and doesn’t need to be, I warn you, this is not an easy thing for me to write. LEt me explain that Esoteric Quality blocked my accounts on X, formerly Twitter, and Instagram, so you all have next to nothing to worry about here. I will attempt to write a small portion of this for Clayton himself, but I’m going to go through a list of the processes by which Clayton Jacobs, professionally known as Esoteric Quality, attempted to manipulate, and at times he’s succeeded. This list is credited to the book Gaslighting by Stephanie Moultan Sarkis, and you may find her on Psychology Today. She is a clinician who specializes in ADHD and other types of anxiety issues. However, Dr. Sarkis also states that she sees many survivors of gaslighting, I’m among those people, but not among those who’ve actually seen her of course. Dr. Sarkas covers a lot of complexities from the very small to the very big when it comes to gaslighting. LEt’s begin.

First of all, what is gaslighting? There’s no classification of this in the DSM, diagnostic and statistical manual of Psychological Disorders. Oftentimes gasnlighters themselves get diagnosed as having narcissism or antisocial personality disorders, and they sometimes exhibit behaviors parallel to these disorders. Clayton Jacobs has some of these characteristics, I’ve got a big bag full of tricks he left me with I can show you. Gaslighters can also be perpetrators of domestic violence, as Clayton was. Gaslighters can also affect your workplace or be parents themselves. Children like my son Malcolm Jacobs could become pawns for gaslighters like his father, Clayton. The proceeding paragraphs will now break down each process Clayton would use to manipulate and control. I have examples for each of these, and so read carefully. Clayton, if you dare read this, you might be a bit taken aback by these, but I’m not trying to say you will never change. There are gaslighters who do get help and recognize these patterns of behavior. They do make changes. Clayton, I hope by reading this blog you can wake up and smell the burning coffee, or the warm coffee. I can’t say I ever want to sleep with someone who has the propensity for gaslighting, and now my mission is to protect and defend your darling son. He is my whole life and the world is his, and I hope he gets to play with the world while smiling at the sun. However, I need to illuminate the way you’ve attempted to control me. So let’s start with conditional apologies.

A conditional apology looks like this: “I’m sorry I tased you but if you’d shared the work, I wouldn’t have done this.” This very statement was told to me a number of times. “I’m sorry I hurt you but if you had paid the rent, I would not have done this.” The time he bailed out of living with me after all the complications, he said, “I’m sorry I am leaving you but if you shared the work, I would not have left.” These are what’s known as conditional apologies. The gaslighter in this instance is apologizing just to get something he wants. A better statement Clayton could have made following each incident could have been, “I’m sorry I tased you. It was wrong of me to do this. I’m willing to stop doing this, how can I do better?”

Clay has also said that “I’m sorry you feel that way” when I attempted to tell him that I would matter.

Clayton has used triangulation and splitting to put wedges between me and others in my apartment building, including my dear ex Trenton Matthews. Trenton has become a victim of Clay’s attempts at triangulation, and if you remember that a triangle has three sides, you’ll kind of get the gist of triangulation. What this does is allow the gaslighter to tell the victim through a third party to follow his rules, his wants, his desires, or express what he doesn’t like. Clay has done this a number of times to Trenton. Using triangulation and splitting, he was successful in instigating a $3500 worth of equipment being stolen, more than half of this amount having to be salvaged by the Howard Fund to repurchase a brand new Macintosh. Because of Clayton putting wedges between myself and Trenton, I was also forced to change phone numbers, purchase a phone from a different company, rush about finding transportation and Uber to various locations to purchase said phone, and furthermore, I now have to renegotiate phone plans because both phone and INternet are too expensive. In a way, Clayton caused a lot of this, and the triangulation was a good portion of this. Splitting was also present. Splitting pits you and a dear loved one against each other, all facilitated by the gaslighter. Clayton successfully split Trenton and I apart, even as friends. HE used Trenton to blackmail me as well, and we’ll also cover using weaknesses as weapons which the triangulation and splitting did not help with.

Clayton’s most notable act of splitting occurred when he would tell Trenton that I was full of “bullshit.” Trenton was probably part of this problem, but Clayton was not helping matters either. HE pitted me against a dear friend, which saddens me to the core.

Clayton used blatant attempts to curry favor. According to Dr. Sarkas’s book Gaslighting, the typical gaslighter uses blatant flattery of a false kind to get you to kind of relax, or they’ll butter you up to get something they want. Clayton tried to do this a number of times, but lately I haven’t even bothered with him. His way of false flattery would be the way he says, “I love you.” Clayton would perhaps also bring me stuff, nice 20 ounce bottles of Coca Cola or similar from the machines downstairs in my apartment building’s lobby. HE would also get pretty explicit when buttering me up as well. Not that I minded pleasing him, I actually enjoyed it. However, sometimes we didn’t have too many sexual sojourns together before Clayton’s reverse Darth Vader mask dropped, and out came the Clayton I would be most afraid of.

Clayton expected special treatment. Contrary to what Clayton will tell you, I do not expect any special treatment because I’m a woman. Just about every single male I spoke with even lately has told me that “You deserve better” or “Why would you get with a man who puts his hands on you!” Every single male member of my family, especially my Uncle Wade Hebert, would treat their wives with tender care and high esteem and safety and respect. Example of this, Uncle Wade as I like to call him affectionately, his wife, my Aunt Vikki, would be pregnant most of the formative years I’d been around her and my uncle. They got married at a big church when I was nine years old. Uncle Wade and his new bride went on to have nine children, but for child number seven, Uncle Wade was told during Aunt Vikki’s progressively high risk pregnancy that his wife be bedridden. Thankfully, kin and friends were called upon to help manage the household chores so Aunt Vikki could comfortably relax in her bed as was ordered by her medical team. Uncle Wade was demonstrating clear healthy relationship standards. By looking out for his wife’s best interest and that of their unborn baby, Uncle Wade Hebert sets the gold standard quite high. Clayton Jacobs, on the other hand, did not approach me this way. I had zero kin and friends interested in our unborn fetus, let alone interested in letting me even be this child’s mother. My kin would frequently bombard me with calls to place baby Malcolm up for an open adoption. Neither of us, Clayton or myself, would accept. However, in the second and third trimesters of my pregnancy, Clayton voiced agitation and got irritable when I did not fulfill needs and he expected and rather demanded special treatment. By virtue of his manliness, this patriarch wanted me to pamper him even when my hips felt like the fiery pits of hell. Clayton claimed I would not be bedridden, however we received little help and support because of the nature of Clayton and who he was. The National Federation of the Blind parents e-mail list didn’t bother responding to his inquiry about breastfeeding our precious newborn son, Malcolm Clayton Jacobs, who was born by induction and vaginally on April 15, 2023. Clayton’s mother, Stacia Clarke, arrived at hospital shortly after Malcolm was born, but it was overwhelming nonetheless. Clayton put on his advocate mask, and I will say to his credit that he is a good advocate for parents and blind people too. However, the moment we returned home with our new bundle of joy, we were so spent, and I endured a dressing down for missing a feed late at night. Read on.

Clayton thinks he’s above rules of politeness and respect, particularly with a woman partner. Don’t think I’m lying. The man harps on a repeated loop that says, “You must have respect for men.” In the very beginning of our relationship, I would browse his old Twitter feeds, and I’d find some scary writings on them. He’d write support for R. Kelly, especially during trial for sex trafficking and racketeering charges he would later be adjudicated guilty for. Clayton’s commentary about this would echo a very dangerous masculine sentiment about the victims, according to Clayton Jacobs, all of R. Kelly’s victims lied. This is a very unfortunate pattern where men are concerned. Regarding Clay’s being above politeness, the physical and emotional abuse during my son’s life should be enough to tell you that he wasn’t above shoving me against walls, attempting chokes on me, or calling me any number of verbally abusive names.

Clayton gets quite irrational and aggressive when something is not fulfilled to his demands. A glaring example of this was when Clayton allowed me to borrow $100 from him, and when I told him I could not pay him back until a given date, he went berserk. He began verbally abusing me, demanding every second that I “pay up” so that he could get his bills paid. I admit Clay got outraged when Jefferson Unitarian Church refused to pay some credit card bills. Clay claimed he needed the money by a date I had none. Au contraire, Clayton said I was demanding. I ought to have said to myself or him, “Look who’s talking.” In fact, Clayton projected his own abusive nature on to me many many times. HE claimed I mistreated him, but this was projection. Any good therapist would see that when one looks at Clayton’s behavior or my own. Any good therapist after talking to me and I was away from Clayton for a while would discover that I really cared deeply about Clayton. Usually, abusive relationships are also characterized by two different stories being told to the same person as well. Dr. Lundy Bankroft, who specializes in work with abusive and controlling men, would frequently chat with survivors of his clients’ abuse, and when the abusive client would say what they said, Dr. Bankroft would get the clearer picture from the survivor he was chatting with on the phone. Counselors like Bankroft have a lot of insight on how abusers work, but for me, it took a careful observation within myself and reading some books to discover that Clayton’s projections were pretty serious.

Clay mistreated those who had less power than himself. Or so he thought. REbecca Meadows was a past victim of the Montana guardianship system, and she reportedly dated Clayton. They used to get together, sometimes they’d smoke or just hook up. Rebecca, however, reports to me that Clayton, while they were romantic with one another, verbally abused her. I couldn’t believe it at first, but the abuse repeated itself much later and with me. Rebecca being a guardianship survivor, Clayton would put us both in a box and call us names relating to mental health. Clayton was demonstrating a behavior pattern where he would exploit weaknesses. This would occur on a repeat basis, especially after malcolm was born. Clayton exacerbated symptoms of postpartum depression that might not be treatable at this point. However, ironic enough, Clayton’s absence on the constant allowed me to saddle up and grab my armor and get empowered. Clayton gets pleasure out of exploiting weaknesses. One notable thing he said regarding weaknesses went like this: “Next time I see someone who survived a guardianship, I’m going to run.” Clayton was implying that I was bad news but also projected the same horrific feelings on to every guardianship survivor. This is quite unacceptable.

Clayton has attempted to use weaknesses against me. On a nurse family partnership appointment with a nurse I have come to respect deeply, Clayton began using mental health as a means to destabilize and try to codify horrific statements about me. It was also prominent and very rampant in many text conversations where Clayton was so upset. Clayton would use a number of slurs against mental health patients against me: mental fuck, loony fuck, psycho, demented, many many others. HE would also threaten me with leaving because I didn’t cook. His claim was I did nothing for a man in a relationship. He claims relationships are about sharing work, which is all well and good until you hurt the person who can’t. The nurse later noted that my mental stability was declining. I wish she’d realize gaslighting was occurring right before her eyes! Clayton’s voice that day sounded so unconcerned and had virtually no emotion in it. I never forgot how furious I became. It just made me feel as though Clayton didn’t truly love or care about me. He actually felt in my opinion as though I were just a birthing vessel, sort of akin to handmaids in The Handmaid’s Tale. It scared me to even consider that to be a possibility.

Clayton has used very many shared details from me against me. He has said during arguments that my family couldn’t stand me, justified cruel practices like guardianship for me because of my unwillingness to share any work, and he has recently threatened to tell people I can’t make bottles for his baby son. When statements like these came up, sometimes I agreed, but given recent truth and observation, it became clear that Clayton was not exactly correct. My mom might have had some form of love there, but it was only true that my parents did not believe I was emotionally capable of taking care of a baby. I have, however, proven all parties wrong on this. I cuddle little Malcolm on his back on top of me, I let him play with me a ton. I do want to give him toys, and I know he likes brightly colored ones. I wish I had more, I’d play with some of these while he might be sitting on the floor. However, I have also learned that I really am a good mother, but those who doubt me better run for the hills.

Clayton has compared me to others incessantly, but particularly to Shirley Baldin, age 75. Clay and Shirley had supposedly no issues, however Shirley could not bear children. Shirley came off to me as a super cool old ‘70s fem vibe. however, Clayton compared how Shirley cooked, how Shirley fucked, all the details were a means for Clayton to make comparisons. I remember vaguely he’d written an email with such. I would copy the entire text of this email, but Clayton made too many comparisons between me and Shirley. I can’t name too many Clayton hadn’t brought up. I also found that Shirley Baldin is not trustworthy and in my observation of Shirley while interacting with Clayton and my then days-old son, Malcolm, Shirley only seemed interested in rolling and lighting up joints and drinking Southern comfort mixed with Uncle Mat’s orange juice. It got to the point where on the last day Shirley visited Clay, I didn’t think she was always safe with Malcolm, she was so intoxicated that per the airline policy, Southwest barred her from flying home on the specified date and time due to her blood alcohol level, but even worse, she did appear intoxicated. Little did I know that she’d done this in front of my days-old baby son, probably when he was closer to a month old or more. Unacceptable behaviors like these make me question whether Shirley was as grand as Clayton made her out to be.

Clayton never ever takes full responsibility for his own actions. Gaslighters typically do not bear the responsibility for their actions. Clayton never admitted to the abusive and erroneous behaviors that could have potentially put me at risk or caused me great harm. Yet the funny thing is he claims he would never hurt Malcolm. Or will he? According to my dear friend Rev. Jennifer Simon, a black clergywoman at Jefferson Unitarian Church and who also runs a Ministry at the Mountaintop for BIPOC individuals in the UU faith, Clayton stands a 30% to 60% chance of one day inflicting some form of abuse on Malcolm, which could also damage him physically or psychologically. Please note that this is not a statement of he absolutely will or absolutely won’t. This statement is simply a risk assessment given the data about others with children and who have battering men around. Clayton also has a prior conviction or history of abusing women, albeit one woman who was postmenopausal, however I want to air on the side of caution.

Clayton is obsessed with both his image and mine as well, and even in a state of pregnancy, Clayton was known to have said I was a “fat fuck” and called me lazy. Clayton also claimed I did not “turn heads”, as if that were important. Each time one sees Clayton walking past you, you can’t help but notice he is groomed to perfection. There are two reasons around this. Clayton tries to be perfect, however he expects his women to be perfect and beautiful and sexy. HE thinks he can define women by how they appear, and he has been observed saying things like he wouldn’t wanna be seen with me in public. I am ashamed of this sort of behavior.

Clayton has been known to con some folks. It is my belief that Clayton could very well have conned folks into believing he needed a certain monetary amount for his lost ID, but who knows. Clayton sadly won’t tell us his real intention. Could it be that he truly conned himself into my house, my food, my bed? I do know that there are many others who con people. Furthermore, could his Esoteric Quality persona be just one more way to con some people into giving him money? Let the stats regarding one single called Struggles of a Blind Man speak for itself. I’m not saying the song itself was bad, but given how much it is not generating any revenue, one has to wonder if people actually know of things about Clayton I can’t see. I understand everybody’s need to throw stones at Clayton, but he does have a way of pulling a Janine, as if he smiles and acts crazy sometimes, and in one scene in the Handmaid’s Tale, Aunt Lydia directs the girls to kill Janine by stoning. However, the girls become so infuriated by Lydia’s request that they do not at all try and kill Janine. The handmaids pay for their blatant disobedience, but this goes to show that people can really get to others.

Gaslighters typically show no concern about injuries whether they be of people or animals. I haven’t seen this in Clayton. However, there is a close member of his family, Justin, who still to this day baffles both of us. While Justin was and is a dangerous man, Clayton says he loved animals. The typical sign your child will need intervention to avoid antisocial behavior is that animals and the kiddo are not safe around each other. There could be more …

Of all the behaviors listed here, I have this awful feeling that if Clayton is not adequately treated for gaslighting, let alone evaluated for domestic violence soon somehow, the triangulation and splitting behaviors would worm their way to Malcolm. Right now, he’s only four months old, smiling and always looking adorable and cute. HE smiles and plays, and if he gets sad, I would cuddle him in my arms, usually if it’s me of course. I wonder though, Clay had been failing to truly read him in one moment, claiming he would need tylenol. Ugh. Clayton could have cost me the baby, and some folks had chided me for even administering the drug. I feel, however, it is truly undoubtedly the worst thing imaginable if heaven forbid malcolm is split against me, or triangulated actions between me and Malcolm occur. Children in a gaslighting relationship with someone else become gaslighters sometimes, but for me, my goal is not to let Malcolm end up in this trap. I hope that you all can help me keep my focus centered squarely on my child, and keep Clayton’s gaslighting and aggressive behaviors out of this picture. For Clayton, contrary to what you think, I’ve seen just about all of the behaviors listed here in our relationship and I can’t let Malcolm witness those in some near or distant time further out. It is now up to you to see the behaviors as they are. I would hope that you realize that I spotted all of these after a ton of research and actual reading of good scholarly articles, and yes, Dr. Sarkis’s book. Exposing children to gaslighting is very very harmful. Please whatever you do from here forward, please wake up to the reason I can’t even love you anymore. Remember me when you try to manipulate someone else, and when that new girl in the bed beside you does not do something and you feel like tasing her, watch. She might not be at all like me, and I’ve given you way too many chances. Sadly, it could have cost Malcolm his life, but here he lives. But please, when the boy grows up, while he’s growing, do not talk in horrible ways about me. I consider the way you’ve acted and you can’t really be trusted talking nicely or admirably about a woman, not just me. Please be mindful that you gaslighted me so bad that all of my friends no longer talk to me, or so you think. I’m trying to wake up the neighborhood, trying to make certain that you don’t poison others and tell them that I am what you think I am. Nobody gets to define who I am based on warped perceptions of me gained through abuse like gaslighting. Jay Padilla got infected with this thinking. He believes I’m not attentive to Malcolm’s needs. Where he got this was obvious. Christine Fogel might have also been split against me and she was the one who let Malcolm play with her dogs. How on earth am I going to ever relate any further to any man? There are single dads, I get it, but when you lay with a woman, you must support her and the child. End of discussion.

Thank you all for reading. For questions and information about gaslighting, I’d highly recommend the book Gaslighting: Recognize Abusive and Manipulative People and Break Free by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, and there’s articles galore on the Psychology Today blog. IF you or someone you know has or is experiencing gaslighting, do not hesitate to seek help with a mental health professional. Side note: If you or someone you know is in crisis as a result of any of the above behaviors or if not worse, please feel free to dial 988 in the United States and Canada. The goal here is to save lives.

Beth