Dear Readers,
I have been one out of three women who experienced some form of intimate partner violence or abuse this year. The child I bore could easily have become one in fifteen children who will experience intimate partner violence as a witness this year. Welcome to a world in which sadly, intimate partner violence knows no socioeconomic or disability community backgrounds. Apparently now, a blind man seems to have perpetrated the worst act against me to date, blocking my X and Instagram accounts, and yet still does not seem interested in realizing he had any power and control issues, let alone a propensity for abuse of his partner. I want to implore the National Federation of the Blind to actually think about this for a moment. Blind people can be victims of IPV, but also they can be the perpetrators. Prety sad when the perpetrator and the victim in the following story are both blind. MY child, I hope, will understand why I even wrote this piece to begin with.
Now let’s start with some of the warning signs of controlling and abusive relationships. I experienced so many of the warning signs, but the ones that jump out at me are these: I had been told not to do things and was told it was for my own good. First incident was when I was watching an episode of the Handmaid’s Tale on Hulu, and Clay says after I talked about that, “You shouldn’t watch it. BAd for your mental health.” The better way I could have received that would be if Clayton said, “Never watch this one alone.” Fast forward to two weeks after May 9, 2022 and I got tased. Clay’s claim was that I needed this, that he talked to me, and he claims he did so when he found out the rent had gone unpaid. Sadly, I was sitting at my desk and he grabbed his taser and attempted to shock me from the front angle. Batterers tend to think they have all the shots called, and stating it is for the woman’s own good was a subtle sign that Clayton was becoming so controlling.
Every single act of violence or control always became a balancing act of he said, she said. Clayton would always attempt to deflect or twist the narrative to benefit him. He claims either the tasing was warranted or it is okay to make the threats he would on a regular basis. Enter gaslighting. Trenton Matthews unfortunately got swept up in the crossfire. Clayton not only made friends with Trenton, but perhaps he encouraged him to commit acts of hate and malice toward me. My phone number was confiscated due to concerns about defamation. Both the men thought they would “teach me a lesson” by stealing things. Over $3000 worth of equipment was repossessed or stolen by Trenton, and this included a Macintosh computer. I ended up having to go out of my way to get another Mac. Sadly I also had to repurchase a brand new iPhone, furthermore, get a brand new number! I was more than outraged to the point where I was told exactly how to speak to Trenton or Clayton, but it got worse than that, Trenton and Clayton both demanded that I stop writing on WordPress about either of them. Personally, I kind of felt happier with Trenton and I don’t like to say this, but it just is a fact that before Clayton actually moved here, not as many things came to pass that were so unsafe. Clayton wants everyone to know that he is a good parent and the safe person, but here’s another common issue with people who commit such acts of violence, and who are controlling.
The major symptom that Clayton was indeed, a high-risk entity, capable of committing intimate partner violence with some thing I wish it actually helped. We had gone to couples therapy twice in an effort to try and understand each other, however, both times prove to be high risk situations. I remember vaguely the first time we had done this in person, and Dr. Daniel showing one home, the only clinician available to even assist us, had realized the relationship wasn’t healthy. I honestly though felt to blame for all of it, and he had said do not chase men who are not healthy. This really doesn’t help in situations like this, and I’d like to also bring to your attention, another fact regarding IPV. when someone grows up as I did with a male, authoritative, figure or authoritarian that is, especially a girl, she tends to choose someone a lot like her father. I don’t know if this is the case with myself and Clayton, but Clayton matches some of my fathers authoritarian behavior, and even worse than that. Unlike my father, who is pretty judgmental, and would demand that somebody marry me, and he had done, so, when I told him that I was pregnant with Clayton‘s child, Clayton had done some pretty terrible things to try and tell the rest of the world I was “full of bullshit.“ I tried to fight back, and the result is devastating. When I told everyone what Clayton had done initially with his Tayser, it got so bad that Clayton claims that people in this neighborhood ran up to him and said, did you know Beth said this and did you know Beth said that? No recently Clayton had claimed I was a “disciplinary problem.“ Honestly, I wonder if one of the YouTube influencers that he listens to, Jason, black, actually advocates for violence against women. The way, Jason black sometimes talks about women in his YouTube channels. Sounds a lot like someone who could possibly have been a perpetrator of such. I don’t exactly know Jason Black personally and I don’t even know how he interacts with actual women, particularly wives and partners, but I can say that some of the code language in Jason‘s speeches, especially in the videos that have nothing to do with only African-American experiences give me some degree of alarm and it sends a lot of red flags waving into the air. Clayton Jacobs unfortunately subscribed to this. It gets worse. Recently on July 28, 2023, I just the worst ass active assault I have been privy to was brought upon because Clayton had decided to confront me about why I wanted my WIC card back. For those of you internationals were reading this and are wondering what the heck WIC is, the WIC program is a federal and state supplemental food program for women, infants, and children. Not Clayton claims that he wanted to provide for me and as someone who really care deeply about him and later, of course our son, Malcolm, I left Clayton‘s name on the WIC account. I did this on the pretense that he would act like a gentleman. By this time I have been subject to frequent verbal abuse weather in text messages or to my face. There has been an attempted assault at approximately May 17 after Malcom‘s one month appointment and I can tell you, it scared the living crap out of me. I remember sitting in the feed chair, and Clay got into some argument with me, of course, as I was feeding Malcolm in the bottle and I was using the vent air bottle, Clay had the nerve to come to the right side of the chair, and then got into a position. I can only describe as a sinister and intimidating fighting stance, I don’t exactly have the visual ability to say where his hands were or where his feet were. But I can tell you, his body language really felt off. He could’ve killed me, but at least his hands went only to an area between the deltoids, just above the hearts and the chest, muscles, and my head. He attempted a strangulation I believe, and I almost was like why do you do that? He claims that I had to pay for his protection and goodwill and he told me that safety is not free. So by his logic, I have to behave a certain way in order to be safe? That was a new one I said to myself, and then he continued the gaslighting basically by stating that, I am “dumb“ and continuously attacking my intellect and cognitive capacity. I can tell you it’s pretty sad when an abuser tells you that I fell in love with your intellect, but then I realize that you were fake. OK, but then it got worse, let me describe the incident on July 28.
at approximately 12:30 PM or somewhere between high noon, that is 12:00 PM, and about half past that hour, Clayton and I had just completed a visit with a social worker. She was checking up on things and we had had a pleasant enough morning or so it seemed, but then Clayton confronted me with the statement of “you’re not getting your WIC card back.“ Remember that wick stands for women, infants, and children. I had allowed Clayton to be in endorse her on my WIC card because he had said he would provide formula for his infant son, Malcolm. But it got to a point where I was sitting here like I can’t even put my card in someplace, and Clayton‘s excuse was, “you lost it once, and that’s enough.“ I had forgotten where I left the card I confess, but didn’t warrant this much control? In my efforts to try and understand where Clay was coming from, I responded with “do you remember what the W in Wick stands for?“ I could’ve heard him say women, right? But then Clay says, “your neo feminist tricks, do not work on me.“ The next sequence of events could best be described as a flurry. I basically was trying to be safe and I said “please leave quickly and quietly and I don’t want to hear this nonsense.“ Clayton fought back by saying, “not without my son.“ Now that there is a set time for Malcolm to be wherever whether it’s my house, or Clayton‘s house, I don’t think this will ever be acceptable anymore. so this is what I said, you’re not getting him. The reason I wanted him to stop and leave Malcolm alone was that I had Malcolm in the crib prepared for a nap, and he was supposedly taking a good one and I wanted it to be long, whatever Malcolm wanted I wanted it uninterrupted. However, Clayton acted and ran into Malcolm‘s room after I did or did he go in before I did? Either way I ran into Malcolm‘s room and unbeknownst to me, Clayton told me he had Malcolm in his arms and I told him get out and put him down, but he wouldn’t do it. Clayton‘s act of defiance led to him doing the following: I was shoved against the wall, and was then pinned against the same wall for about two seconds. I remember fighting back. I screamed maybe a few times during this entire incident. There was another sequence where to my surprise, I survived, but Clayton had his hand close to the middle between my deltoid, and I could’ve sworn he had my neck there. He lifted me up off the floor as well, but during the front chokehold, I could’ve sworn I thought I was gonna die and I was about to say, is this the end? I wouldn’t be telling the truth, if I consistently have said the same thing each and every time. Clayton also attempted to push me backwards and, as luck would have it. He tried to push me forward, and then face down onto the carpet. In the scurry, in this horrible skirmish, one earring, somehow fell out of my ear but that’s really not a big deal compared to what happens next. While on the carpet, Clay pinned me down I guess for a couple of seconds. Now remember this guy is a seasoned wrestler, so you’re talking about a guy Leonard in wrestling in high school. Go figure. His seasoned wrestler arms lifted me several inches off the Floor upon performance of the facedown on the carpet move. After I have been thrown facedown on the carpet, Clayton proceeded to remove Malcolm from the crib, although he will say that he had health Malcolm‘s the whole time and will blame me for not exactly promoting safety around him, all of which is a lie. Unfortunately I ran to the bathroom and I grab my phone. I’m not even sure where the phone was but I told Clayton I’m gonna call 911. He said go ahead and call. I called 911 and I told the cops I had been attacked. The sad reality of it was however that Clay had claimed I attack first when I never wanted to, and I never did. It is not within my nature to do this so to hear Clayton say this is kind of both a blessing and a curse. The blessing part of it was neither of us were charged, but the curse was that Clayton, stating this clearly demonstrates his ability to twist the narrative, and to manipulate people into believing how horrible I am. The manipulation tactics just got worse.
The worst manipulation tactics took place over a text conversation that we had recently a few days back. Clayton used many different verbally abusive words, and I know of many different words you could use from time to time. The words include such as bitch, that’s one of his favorites, and the most striking example was when he said, “blocking your ass, bye-bye bitch.“ I couldn’t believe the man had the nuts and bolts, or the guts to enact such a horrible act of isolation on top of the mini different people who didn’t even wanna talk to me because of this guy. So Clayton uses that we’re on a frequent basis, but even further, this seems frequently attack my intellect or my being female. Often times when Clayton does not want to be safe, he resort to talking about me in terms of psycho and psychotic conditions. I don’t even have. Mr. Jacobs is not even licensed to practice a psychology, discipline, or even psychiatry, and yet he believes that I have the following:
I received a few different diagnoses in a recent text conversation which included early onset, Alzheimer’s, which came about because Clayton was attacking. Supposedly bad memory that I had. Well, if this demonstrates otherwise, I don’t know what else does. I was also accused of having paranoid schizophrenia, and let me tell you I have never in my life, experienced a paranoia or any symptoms of schizophrenia. if Clayton had any clue what the hell is schizophrenia patient experiences on a daily basis, I don’t think he would be throwing words like that at me. I think that Clayton is so paranoid that all I do is talk bad on platforms like this one and ex that he decided to block me on his ex account and his Instagram. Unfortunately, I do believe Clayton is pretty angry at me because I don’t think he has anything positive to say about me. I don’t even know if it’s his fault, per se, but his extra medical diagnoses of me regarding psychiatric disorders is quite alarming. In order to tell somebody that they have paranoid schizophrenia, or that they have psychosis even, is it my understanding, and if this is correct, one Hass to, first of all know the symptoms of these conditions, and in order to certify the persons diagnosis, you pretty much have to sign off on it and you have to know everything about these conditions, and you’ve got to have a medical board license. Last I checked, Clayton was also named Mr. Clayton Alexander Jacobs and there isn’t a PhD at the end of his name or is there an NDA either. Therefore I don’t necessarily think that Clayton in any infinite wisdom if there ever was one or such, he does not have the license, nor the credential to determine the diagnosis of any sort. He never went through all of the years of school, and never experienced what it is like to have to do practicum‘s, and labs and all sorts of stuff. I have lots of friends and professionals that I work with who it is my understanding that they have gone through so much school and they had to study a lot. Clayton claims he’s a walking law book, but I don’t know about you, but a loss student hast to study for years and years. Clayton claims that all I seem to do is defame and drag his name through the mud, but it is the opposite. Clayton does this in a subtle, but yet very hurtful way in the following paragraph.
Clayton wrote a very disgusting tweet or two about me. I mean an ex post now. He had blocked me on his ex account which is at EQ music official edit Instagram account which is at_EQ music official. Both of these accounts are now open and free. At least he thinks to all kinds of degrading comments about me when I never even engage this way on either of these accounts. Clayton is typical of an abuser because he did not exactly receive my criticism of his own behavior well. He claims that I was just “talking bad about him and claims I am grateful for what he’s done. Far from it. it’s pretty sad. I couldn’t even write his name down on this blog for well over many months because I have been experiencing so much gaslighting and demands that I take down so many posts. Clayton wanted me to stop talking like this about him but I’m like really? Now that I am awake to this possibility that all the calls for me to remove posts about him or just Waze for him to manipulate and control me, now I’m wondering how the hell I got here. My little son is probably not going to like his father, but I don’t want him to feel anything about either of us, except that both of us are loving to our own extent and capacity but for me, I feel it’s imperative, that Malcolm not have anything to do with the kind of stuff that Clayton said in his ex posts about me. Clayton writes that I want “all the smoke“ and was “drama.“ Furthermore, he accused me of “dragging my name through the mud“ and I guess has written an entirely awful rap, or R&B song about it. While I do, applaud, his expression and creativity, I question whether this is really going to be published, or if it will ever chart. Struggles of a blind man, his flagship single, barely even generates enough revenue as it is for him. Not too many people have heard of this work, and even when he performs it in a club in Arizona, none of the people might’ve been at the venue and the club was probably adults only. So you couldn’t have gotten the message to children and a lot of people unfortunately under 18 cannot enter night clubs. Clayton also said my ass was raggedy in the sentence where he accuse me of dragging him through the mud. He also claims I am “deranged and a disciplinary problem.“ Last I checked, when we talk about disciplinary problems, we’re talking about a child who has so much anger inside that he destroys property, but talks his mother, or father, or hurts his siblings or pets, or tries to cause further destruction in other ways. Meet Justin Alexander, Jacobs, a current inmate in the Arizona correction system, who is serving life in prison, due to a long list of crimes, including, but not limited to trafficking of minors. That is sexual trafficking of Myers. Justin had had a long history of having been violent toward Clayton, violent toward most people in a matter of days or years. The funny thing is, and I find this quite baffling is that Justin likes animals and can only relate to animals, but not people. Justin is very close to the kind of person. I would be an unfit to be around my own child, because not only were his crimes relating to or against children, but I wish they had been addressed walk way way earlier. Sadly, I uncovered a huge issue with a Jacobs Meals. It goes far as back as an early 20th century ancestor named Ben Jacobs. Ben had been a serial abuser both children and women. My understanding of it was that he had smacked around his wife and his children. His son, Jim took up the torch and sadly smacked her wife around, and I believe this was the mother of Danny, who would then attack his old wife, Stacia, who buys them was estranged. Each man had a case against them, and the cases generally have the same pattern of behavior on display each time. I think the worst of it came with Stacia‘s two male children, Justin was an obvious choice, but Clayton is kind of hard to detect. To the naked eye, Clayton appears as a Dashen, debonair prince, and he has the most beautiful blue eyes and it seems that maybe he is the very definition of Carrie underwood, cowboy Casanova. Remember that this guy “only comes out at night.“ I’m very sure this is the case with Clayton Jacobs. The repeat exposure to violence for Clayton and Justin have lots of impact on both of them, and how they would relate to the world at large and this is for each of them individually. There was one female child, later revealed to be a transition, but for the sake of legal stuff, will just say this was Danielle, Elise Jacobs, and I can tell you I wish I could’ve known her. She had been brutalized by Mesa police in 2016, and sadly it was kind of an act of depression that led to it, and I don’t blame her. With two males in her family acting as violently as they had been, but especially Justin, what choice does Juan have? Jacobs clan experience, lots of violence so much that Clayton had gone on after moving out on his own to marrying a woman postmenopausal in fact, but it is my understanding that he and this woman got into frequent fights and arguments, possibly similar to or exactly like what I had experienced recently. Kim unfortunately got some form of assault on her and sadly, Clayton did not get the help or rehabilitative services he needed to prevent the behaviors from happening yet again. no my question is did he do the same with his second wife, and Roxelle, Miller, Jacobs, and Mark she married Clayton, and then they had a daughter together, Vivian. Vivian is now eight years old, but she no longer sees her father. I have been wondering this for a long time, but where on earth did it get so bad? Vivian is an innocent little girl and my first thought was well, why not. Every girl needs to see her father, but then it became clear. See you next paragraph.
it is my understanding the Roxy, Miller, Jacobs, and his and her husband. Clayton got into mini fights from what I’m gathering in my own experience. Unfortunately, I have attempted to reach Miss Jacobs twice but with no response, all I could do was piece things together and see arise what is going on. After the assault on July 28, I thought it was more imperative than ever to figure out every piece of the puzzle so for one, I could safely guide Malcolm in the right direction, and for two, I could help break the cycle of violence and abuse in the family. The Taurasi family is not exactly the best in my opinion, either, but I needed some closure as to why honors I was being attacked. Clayton continues to this day to manipulate a court of law, many service providers, child, welfare, agency, such as the Department of human services in Denver, and many friends in my neighborhood, as well as acquaintances, elsewhere, and everyone who meets pretty much looks at him, and they think, what a darling, handsome man or what a great father. You know I thought the same thing but unfortunately it is become clear that this so-called “great“ father has a whole host of problems that he must overcome in order to serve as a generally. Good example for Malcolm, our son. Malcolm is now four months old and some days older. He has exceeded 13 pounds compared to his birthweight of 6 pounds and 1 ounce. I’m proud of Malcolm also because he is exhibiting all the right things, a baby needs to exhibit, but I’m trying to keep Malcolm safe, and I worry every day that when he becomes verbal and grows older and asks questions, Clayton might provide the very wrong answers, based upon Clayton‘s, warped and sad perception of the world. For example, Malcolm could ask the question “why did you hit mom question“ Clayton answer could very well be, “because she deserved it son. She wasn’t doing what was supposed to be done in a relationship and she didn’t share the work. When you have a relationship with someone, they to have to share the work.“ While sharing the work is great in a relationship, it is not OK to exact threats or carry out acts of violence, because someone is slacking off in one’s opinion, Malcolm needs to hear the better example from different male figures with more honor, and who do not have any propensity for violence. Hence why I was almost ready to state that I could have Malcolm in karate or martial art by age 5, and that way he can talk to a sensei, or a Japanese mentor about these things. I believe that, perhaps a master in a martial art, could provide more wisdom and help Malcolm build proper characteristics of good character. Such things might include not being violent because you want to or you don’t like something they say, of course keeping your hands to yourself unless it’s a last resort thing and you want to defend yourself. Even my ex-boyfriend, Blake Tucker, a taekwondo student has told me that the first thing that is recommended, but one does is try a negotiation or diplomacy tactic. For example, if Malcolm see someone trying to hurt someone else, the best thing he could’ve done according to Tucker is this, Malcolm walks up to the person, and says, “would you please get away from him or her question“ could also say I’m not exactly interested in fighting, but of course a bully might do some thing like ask him to handover his lunch for example. Malcolm would stand firm and say I don’t give lunch to bullies. He would also say what do you need my lunch for? There are a different responses he could have, but the last thing I would ever want my son to do is simply strangle the bully to death right there in the cafeteria. Given the way, Clayton had acted toward me, if he continues doing this, especially in the presence of a son, one can expect Malcolm to exhibit the same aggressive behaviors, even at a toddler stage. All here is to make sure he does not do such things. Domestic violence victims also include children, so let’s be mindful of this. One in 15 children witness their parents fighting were a parent being abused each and every year. That one and 15 should never include my son if I can help it. Clayton claims that I am a “disciplinary problem.“ But I can tell you for a fact that, although I do not agree with how some schools may have approached Clayton‘s behavior, I’m very sure that Justin, his brother, had way too many “disciplinary problems“ in school. I have no access to the school records, but a really aggressive disciplinary problem exhibit the following
A true disciplinary problem will be aggressive on constant with animals or people but animals in the early childhood of an aggressive antisocial usually become targets. This is quite baffling as Justin Jacobs never intended any harm on animals, but with Malcolm, my goal is to see if he will interact with dogs particularly in a safe way. There is some hope I can safely say he can do just that. A woman he was hanging out with had two dogs, one was a teacup chihuahua, and the other a blue heeler. The teacup chihuahua gave Malcolm kisses, and to my shock, he had a big huge smile on his face. This baby has a smile for everybody, I can’t help but be bathed in the warmth of his smile, and to hear his coo every single day reminds me of life’s simple pleasures. However, it would scare me to know that given a toxic environment, my darling Malcolm could later exert violence on his spouse or partners. Clayton has done this in a horrible way, and the effects of gaslighting he has done not only impacted me, but it also impacted neighbors and friends. Jillian Blue Norton for example, she has not called and talked to me, and I ave been unable as of late to reach her. There are two possible causes in my mind. One of these involves Clayton’s gaslighting techniques. Let me explain how gaslighting works.
My experience with gaslighting was just as all experiences usually go. Clayton had thoughts about me that weren’t true, pretty much all revolving around my intellect, but it got to a point where one such was that he said I was “ugly as hell.” He said I was the ugliest female he’d ever laid his eyes on. I knew for a fact that he was a gaslighter, but now he is attempting to gaslight X, formerly known as Twitter, against me. I found a screen shot in which he stated the following:”My baby mama wants all the smoke, so I’m gonna give it to her. I’m tired of her raggedy ass dragging me through the mud, and she is deranged and a disciplinary problem.” This is true gaslighting at its finest. I can tell you that he is somehow the deranged one, and as for the disciplinary problem, it is my firm belief that Clayton truly does not understand how hurtful that kind of rhetoric is toward women. Jason Black’s videos such as “Matriarchy causes coonery” may be cause for banning such content in my household. I refuse to allow Malcolm to one day become a perpetrator of domestic violence of any sort, even child abuse. During this entire saga, it had been brought to my attention that Clayton Jacobs was supposedly the person who abused a four month old or eight month old girl. Vivian, I later found out, was never abused. However, Clayton did not respond appropriately and with any understanding of my needs and feelings when I brought up this thing someone said. Clayton refused to come to my apartment, I was pregnant as I could be, for a dinner I had put too much effort into making. Clayton also kept on saying that he was never abusive, but the assaults leave me thinking otherwise. Every single member of my community has said Clay is bad news. Well, they are probably right. The question now remains, is there any hope that Clayton can be held fully accountable not only for assaults, but gaslighting? Does he understand that I am a good person? I am never the one to say something if it wasn’t true, and Clayton wrote a lot of false narrative about me in his X posts, sadly he blocked me on both X and Instagram. My hope is that Clay will realize he had something great. I loved him, but I have no desire to love someone who has a clear history of violence, does not address that history. What impact this has on Malcolm has yet to be seen, but I’d like to thank the Department of Human Services for coming along and helping me at least for now.
It is my understanding that the state of Colorado has a domestic violence out patient program for abusers. I hope someone can safely evaluate and place Clayton in the appropriate risk level group, get him set up with a specific therapist, and allow him to do the work necessary to make lasting and concerted changes. NEedless to say, however, I can no longer give intimacy or have any concern whatsoever about this man. I no longer wish to sleep with him, and my affections will be best saved for someone safe. Not so much that they will be for someone else, but someone safe, and I hope that all of you survivors of domestic abuse reading this will see why.
Recently, I met and began speaking to new prospective partners, one of which is a strong possibility. My list of personality traits for a potential partner includes “must love kids”, the man must not have any criminal record on kids such as abuse or child endangerment, and yes, the dude I would prefer to have his own children. I am now a single mother, my poor baby son is at least spending some time with bio dad. I couldn’t say the same for myself, but I found a very tall and handsome man. This man also is part Cherokee as Clayton is. The Indian Child Welfare Act was pulled out and will be used in our court proceedings, so I hope that my association with this new prospect will help things. I want Malcolm to know his own heritage. I never got half of that. This man says he would be interested in me, but I want to take things slow, and I won’t reveal his name here. I won’t be revealing much more detail, but needless to say, pretty much all the men I found even those I don’t know have been very very respectful and treat me with safety. Forget decency, safety is the top priority for me. Clayton has shown repeatedly and on a regular basis that my safety comes with a price. Safety for Clayton comes with the price of servitude. I must be respectful, so he says, but I can’t respect someone who practically hates my guts. HE claims he loved me, but love does not require emotional pain, many days and nights where I cry, many days and nights where I forget who I am, many weeks of waking up almost wondering if my hips are falling apart, but furthermore, the payment for safety is probably worse than death. Clayton has no concept of safe relationships let alone healthy ones, and I blame in part the family’s intergenerational pattern of violence and abuse. Every male in the Jacobs family direct bloodline has at least one or more marks on their record indicating violent behavior. It became obvious when Danny Jacobs attacked his estranged wife, Clayton’s honored mother Stacia Clarke. Young Clayton, then twelve years old, was probably so traumatized by the event but the pattern somehow was set. Violence gets you whatever you could ever want, Clayton’s mind says on a regular basis. Sadly, many people who witness what Clayton did don’t ordinarily become this way. The reason in my thinking that Clayton ended up this way was a combination of factors, and if you know your basic psychology, you would know that Clay’s environment contributed greatly to this violent behavior. His repeat exposure to corporal punishment by a stepparent, for example, is only one such thing. HE has also claimed that his brother Justin targeted him. Justin, who is now serving life in an Arizona penitentiary, has been violent with Clayton, but when he went to the pen, he got lots of money on his books, further exacerbating Clayton’s jealousy. I understand how he could have been so jealous, blind people don’t ordinarily get any leg up on things. Clayton had no assistance with two weddings, and he could not rely on his family to buy him any housing, and that goes for both his weddings and marriages.
Recently, Clayton got reported for assaulting me on July 28, 2023, and I made certain to be frank. Clayton today continues his tactics to manipulate and complain about me where it is not necessary. HE made a parenting complaint on Twitter as of six hours ago, and before that, everything about me is so degrading and wrong. Clayton seemingly has no hope of even finding a lover, but he attempted to cut me off sexually twice. Now it’s my turn to cut him off, and I do not plan to ever sexually please this man ever ever again, and it’s not because he wasn’t good at it, he was cutting me off from it because he wouldn’t get what he wants. When Clayton gets angry, he tends to belittle women and feminism, and he does this on a regular basis. His misogyny is so hurtful, and he uses it to incite violence on me. Cutting off affections by not saying “I love you” is one way Clayton thinks he can be in charge. Another way he tries to tell you that he’s the boss is to determine if he ever has sexual relations with you. IF you don’t do as you’re told, and if you are a woman or his lover, be prepared for him to simply cut you off sexually. He’s said he wouldn’t give me another child, citing derangement and being a “nutcase.” It is so hurtful that there were several times he’s exacerbated postpartum depression symptoms to the point where a nurse asked me to explore medication. Personally I do not ever want to take psychiatric drugs because even on the drugs, I was still being abused and gaslighted. My parents used these drugs to further their own gaslighting and abuse of me. Guardianship was a strong act of abuse, it always is. Standard fare includes reproductive sterilization among the things women face, but it also requires loads of psychotropic drugs. I took abilify when I first made sexual contact with Clayton, and was also taking a contraceptive. Sadly, Clayton abused me and it had no real effect in terms of medication. For my nurse to advise me to take the medication was not so much hurtful, but I feel sometimes she was not informed about my psychiatric abuse. Why would I want to take pills that were used to deliberately abuse me? She advised me to be stable, but there are many ways stability can be achieved. The sad thing is there was a day Clayton broke up with me for the billionth time and he did not express concern for me, only for Malcolm. I believe Clay thinks his own son is of more importance than his mother. Clayton has had zero respect for me or my safety and health for a long while. He never supported me during times where PPD was exacerbated by him not being a loving presence in my life. There was one night I called him balling my eyes out, and his response was to mock female emotionality, making the very sounds and attempting to imitate the rhythms of my cries, and in a very hurtful and insulting manner. This man dangerously threatened me, and unfortunately, his pleas for Malcolm to be kept safe won’t really go his way, and his way of doing this will probably include disrupting my bond with this precious child. Malcolm is lying on the Boppy pillow, all fast asleep. I love my baby so much, but Clayton’s manipulations could cost me the chance to see my small son grow to be the man who ends the cycle of abuse. Clayton could attempt to manipulate Malcolm and mess with his mind by saying, “Shirley is your mother. Beth is a mean and disrespectful bitch.” Sadly, Clay and his best friend, Shirley Baldin, spent time together during a Mother’s Day that would have been my first. I did not receive breakfast, was not given roses or even a simple card that says happy mother’s day. It was made so much worse when Clay and Shirley chorused in front of Malcolm, “Don’t worry, we’ll protect you from Beth. She’s a nasty person.” That’s my recollection of this matter. Shortly thereafter, I had written Shirley’s name someplace I can’t recall, but I was shocked when Clayton allowed Shirley to address me while my son was in a state of undress on the changing table in his nursery. Shirley was menacing as she said, “Do not write about me on the Internet or I’ll take you to court.” It took professional support to make Clay honor my request to keep Shirley clear away from me. It also took professional support to advise Clayton to tell Shirley that name calling was unacceptable in front of a baby. It takes so much to tell one grown man that he cannot hurt a woman. I should not even have to tell a grown man about the statistics regarding his impact on his child, domestic violence does have a very heinous impact on children. The economic impact of this crime reaches about 8 billion dollars annually. Many taxpayers may gripe about supporting federal grants that support domestic violence shelters and services like the Rose Andom center, which for me has been so invaluable in terms of supportive services and has given me a lot of reassurance that I was worthy of love and respect, let alone safety. I also completed a well known course at a program called Mother Wise, which allowed me to learn communications skills for working with partners and kiddos alike, but with a partner unwilling to actually communicate with me and repair our relationship, I do not think it is ever possible for us to be intimate or in love again. I am determined now to keep my son safe, to let him grow and thrive, but the man who marries me will not be allowed just to adopt my son. Boys are the bloodlines of their fathers, and for Malcolm, his father will always be Clayton Jacobs, and I want Malcolm to know that he was and still is his dad. The thing is that Malcolm will probably never understand fully the impact that Clayton’s degrading and hurtful words and actions have had on his family, myself, and the public.
Instead of having a good breakfast of steaming eggs scrambled up with veggies, having an intimate night with Clayton, and receiving affection of any kind, Clayton’s number one priority was his friend Shirley. She apparently had flown into Denver to supposedly see malcolm. But when I entered Clayton’s seventh floor studio apartment, my observations told me the two of them while caring for the baby also engaged in smoking and drinking. Sadly, Shirley kept asking repeatedly for one join after another, Clay followed. Clayton however did address a bigger issue with Shirley. During the last day of Shirley’s visit to Denver, Clay observed her drinking as usual. I noticed also that a tassel on the bottom of a tote bag I’d brought with me became soaked in a spillage of Southern Comfort whisky, something Shirley had been chronically devouring and gulping. Her drinking got her so intoxicated, and she exhibited so much sign of this that Denver International Airport would not allow her to fly her original time on a Southwest Airlines flight back to Phoenix, Arizona. Airline rules state that public drunkenness will not be tolerated on a plane, which Clay explained. Later, Clay discussed this issue with his friend, stating he was so disappointed in her drunken behavior in front of his newborn son. I feel though that if not for a professional or two who intervened about the argument thing as well, Clay would probably not have even attempted to discuss this matter. Sadly, Shirley also engaged in name calling, and I ask myself if Clay might have felt forced to do this. He clearly hasn’t said “I love you” in so long, but even at that moment, Clayton had to redirect Shirley’s comments quite a few times. I’d say she called me an idiot, Clay told her to stop. I’m trying to remember but it had to have been three times she was redirected not to talk like this in front of me and the child. My Mother’s Day being ruined, I could never have been at that time more satisfied. Clay later ordered dinner for me. However, nothing could have prepared me for courts to be involved, social workers breathing every movement down our necks, but furthermore, the court of law could get a very false narrative about me. Clayton may be setting out to carry out his agenda of proving that I m, in his words, a “demented fuck” or a “loony fuck” or a “psycho.” I’ve also been subjected to “psycho bitch” and “nutcase” as well. This man has such a deep resentment for persons with any kind of mental health abuse or condition, I don’t feel he will ever be safe with a woman as long as he keeps breathing in this toxic air. Clay believes I am so toxic, he wants to tell me when to take down something because he wants to believe in his grandiose ambitions of becoming Jay-Z. Sadly, Esoteric Quality only has two songs but one has a video. Struggles of a Blind Man may never get the attention he so wants it to get, and rightly so because these days, this man has shown no desire to be safe around me, and the misogyny he subscribes to is so dangerous he uses it to incite violence and block accouns of mine on social media. I’ve made posts about him on FAcebook in an attempt to reach out, and furthermore, amid the abuse I received on and off line, I found friends who understood what was going on. My issue here remains that the social workers are being way too soft with Clayton, and especially not addressing his propensity for domestic violence, and the impact of DV on his child. Our Nurse Family Partnership Nurse had told us and a family counselor also told us not at all to verbally abuse and argue in front of the baby or to each other, but Clayton broke this twice. When will it ever stop!
I implore the state of Colorado and the Denver Department of Human Services to stop questioning my fitness to parent, and to instead look at the real problem. With a man who threatened me on a number of occasions to have Malcolm testify against me and lock me up in a mental institution, a man who wants to disrupt my bond with this precious being, with the same man forcing me to be lonely and in doing so, I had no choice but to compose pieces like these and online rants about the stuff he tells me. Gaslighters should never be rewarded. I implore everybody to wake up. I’m so awake, I’m going to keep my Malcolm, I call him my number one boo, safe and sound. He will grow and thrive and he will be a man for some girl. He will give more hugs than any person I might ever know. He will kiss the girls goodnight, sing them to sleep as I do to him now. Clayton, however, must engage fully in domestic violence treatment. I am slatd for a psychological evaluation in October, but I feared that scheduling something this important so far away from July 29, when the evaluation was brought up to me, would lead to erroneous assumptions being made about me. It would lead to deteriorating relations between me and Clayton, and sadly, it resulted in not only deterioration of our relationship even as friends, but Clayton blocking me on social media accounts so he could smear my name behind my back and accuse me of ruining his life has come true. I fear that this scheduling and failure to get Clay treatment soon could result in either severe injury or death to myself or Clayton if he isn’t careful. I do have some defense of myself but Clayton has so much strength on his side. I will be honest, but Malcolm doesn’t need a man in his life who pegs me as mentally unstable. I tell Clayton, look at yourself in the mirror, you are the one who’s unstable. I fully believe that patriarchal nonsense such that what Clayton subscribes to allows him to be that unstable being that he thinks I am, and he justifies every act of abuse on a continued basis.
I have now a message for my former lover. Clayton, as much as you think I’m not fit as a mother to care for your child, you are not fit as a man to be a good husband to some gal. You really need to look at yourself in the mirror. Look deep inside yourself, and ask what you should have done to create a better relationship with both me and your son. I have no further desire for you except if you can show me that love is safe, and love is free. Do not attach conditions to it. I forbid you from attempting to program my son to even think the way you do. I’m going to be honest, coparenting with you is tough. I have zero friends, meanwhile you have gaslighted Jay Padilla, Christine Fogel, and so many others and potentials here in my building against me. Every word you say about me on social media runs like a false narrative planted in a horrible rap piece that can’t even get up on the hip hop charts. I am not running anyone through the mud. you are, and you continue to deny your abuse and how it impacts me and potentially your four month old son. I loved you, but when you attacked my body, my mind and my spirit, you justified this. I am not the victim in your deranged mind, rather I’m the deranged one who abuses you. Clayton, your family is wrought with violence and all manner of spousal abuse. Can you see this? Wake up, Clayton, your son needs you to love me or you need to engage in treatment. Know this, I do not abuse you and have never done so. It is you who targeted and took advantage of me and tried and failed to break me down. For the last time, you called me names and blasted me on social media. I hope you will be proud of yourself when it becomes known that you also battered two other women. I hope that the next song you compose sadly is not about me, or any woman. The Struggles of a Wife Beater became a joke title a lot of my friends began sharing. I also wonder if Struggles of a Wife Beater should become a chant or some mantra on a shirt. If you don’t want that label, Clayton, show the courts and your doctors and therapists that you can indeed be 100% safe and keep your hands off me when I say no, when I say I can’t do something, when I become pregnant. I wish you’d been here, held me, gave me things to believe in, look forward to. I wanted a man who would love me for me, not threaten me because I hadn’t the ability to cook a tiramisu. I wanted a man who would tell me I was worthy of love, not someone who blamed my mouth and the pen for my own undoing. My love for this man, Clayton, is so gone. I feel that men could have been a waste of time, but I do not want any of the $8 billion that is spent on domestic violence, rather I wish Clayton would please engage in his treatment plan, and furthermore, when you find yourself lonely and sexless in bed, when you awaken and cry in a corner as I did, Clayton, remember me. Remember me when you are walking alone through the chambers of your soul, not able to comprehend why the strength I possess is real, and when you find yourself going to Mod Pizza, when you’re sitting down to a good Chipotle meal, when you hear a piano playing, all of it, remember me. It saddens me to have to wite this post. I wish you never even attacked my intellect, I wish you were a good man like you should have been all along. I wish I had Trenton here to at least tell me things will be fine. You took him from me. YOu gaslighted so many others against me, and you want them to think I’m the bad one? Clayton, let me tell you who cries now. You have never once cried while I was here, you never once wept as I do now, you never shed a tear for me. Personally you said I turned cold, but you are the one who’s been cold. Clay I struggle every single moment these days to comprehend, to process how a good man could turn so hot and horrible. How could a man who wishes to empower, to advocate for me, and to hold me in the labor room one day turn to this same woman and try and attack her. How? Why did you have any qualms about doing this at all? Clayton, where are you? WHo are you? I asked who I was because of you telling me how “fake as fuck” I was, and how dumb I supposedly was. Clayton, I’m as real as you’ll get. I loved you, and you tried to tear my heart out. Clay, I will not welcome your romantic advances. I seriously hate doing this or writing this down. Clay, remember me when you yourself begin to weep upon seeing this post. Remember my laugh, the hair that cascaded around my face, remember my slender body and remember also the way I gave birth. Remember the sound of my voice whenever you’re weeping, alone and asleep. Whenever you try to place Miss Somebody New in bed with you, the moment you remove your briefs, the moment and the very next second you become intimate intimate with this new woman, remember what you did to me, remember how I loved you the hardest, whether I contribute the way you want me to in relationships or not is not at all a concern, but it is you who tried to tell the whole world what a horrible person I was. I’m not that way. Clayton, if you just look at yourself in the mirror, all the horrible things you claim about me are about you. You tried and failed to ruin a beautiful person, and you will not succeed in ruining your sweet baby son. Malcolm reminds me every single day that life is beautiful. Why can’t you see me as a beautiful woman with a smile for the baby? Why can’t you see that I have intellect, and whether I have real life smarts or not you should never have abused me or my intellect. It is you who could be classified as “psycho” and “demented fuck.” I can no longer allow you to renew any relationships with me, but if you succeed in treatment, maybe we can try this whole thing all over again. I can support you so much, and only so much, before I have to do what is safe for me and our son.
I love you all and I wish Clayton the best, only the best. I always have. As much as I’d like to say he should rot in Hell, my heart says no. Why would I want to see Clay burn endlessly in a pit so vast and deep? There’s got to be a real man behind this beast. I wish Clayton had understood the enchantress had a good reason to transform that prince into the beast, and now I’m here as Belle. Beauty and the Beast is a classic, and I’ve had my share of beasts. Clay, if you truly want to get free of this beastly soul nd body, do as the Beast is told to do in the tale. Find yourself a woman who will look past the batterer, look past the chronic abuser, and I tried. You tried and failed to ruin me, to tell a false narrative about how I’m paranoid schizophrenic. I will never forget you, and I look at Malcolm, and you come to mind. Malcolm will never however abuse a woman if I have things right.
This is not goodbye forever, Clayton. I hope it’s only a goodbye for a while. Sleep well, and do not weep forever. We will be friends, and someday you will understand your true dynamics. I hope to one day see you back on my X page, an apology is something you never said. I will await a letter or some way you want to do that. Remorse is key. Show me love, and I will show you support.
Beth
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